Finding Meaning Amidst the Madness

It lingers like a mist filled morning when the sun refuses to shine. It suffers in shallow waters like a beached whale. It screams in silence like a fly trapped in a spider's web.



I'm smiling on the outside, laughing and making jokes. No need to worry about me, every thing is just fine. But in the corridors of my mind, waiting just around the corner, the darkness lurks. It whispers silently, beckoning me to it's cold embrace. I resist and fight for a time, but the call is irresistable. A siren song, promising to protect me and keep me from harm. When I surrender, I have found safety once again. Nothing can hurt me here.

I have wrestled with depression for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I believe that it is genetic as my brother and sister have also battled their own inner demons. My Dad's mother also suffered with depression for most of her life and we spoke about the subject on more than one occasion. She was a kindred spirit and I miss her dearly.

I don't really talk about it much with friends. I am afraid that it would drive them away. Instead, I do my best to help others and to always be the one who is there to offer support and a shoulder to cry on. I have become a sponge for human emotions, soaking up the sorrow and hurt around me. But there is never a release, never a place where I feel that I can safely relinquish what is being held captive inside. Like a dam, I stand firm, holding back the raging waters.



My sister Janet and I have often discussed the similar feeling that we are somehow displaced in time, for lack of better words. That somewhere, somewhen, there is a place where we belong, and a people who know us and accept us for who we are. I have often joked and laughed with my sister that perhaps we are faerie changelings, switched at birth with our true human counterparts. Existing in this world, but never truly a part. We can be in a crowd, yet feel completely alone, like we don't really belong.

Any emotion that I experience is felt deeply, and at times even the good emotions can be painful. So I often wear a mask, smiling with encouragement to those that I care about. I love masks. They hide the truth, which is often too uncomfortable to bear.

I don't want to give the impression that my entire life is spent in darkness. There are times when I experience great joy, and at other times I have encountered spiritual experiences that have left me elated and hungering for more. But there is rarely ever an even medium.



Tomorrow when I wake up I may regret writing this post. I may worry about what those who read it may think. I may feel embarassed for letting down my guard, removing the mask and being honest with my feelings. After all, I don't want to be seen as weak or crazy. But this is a part of who I am. Maybe, someday, I will be able to remove the mask to those who would truly understand and accept me in a non judgemental way. But for now...

Death Where Is Thy Sting?

Recently a friend of the family passed away unexpectedly. He was only 39 and had just purchased a home. Things were going great in his life, as he posted on his Facebook profile one evening. That very night he had a brain hemorrhage and went into a coma from which he never awoke. Our family attended his memorial service this last weekend.

With the recent loss of my Mom and with the passing of this young man, I have found myself thinking more often about my own mortality. I will be 45 in September, and I just recently came to the realization that in only 15 years I will be 60!



I am not afraid of Death. In fact, she has been a constant companion in my life. I am a person of faith and do believe in an afterlife, although I do not follow the traditional ideas of Heaven and Hell. I can't bring myself to believe in a Creator who would send anybody to a lake of fire for eternal punishment for their sins. Nobody that I have ever met has done anything that would deserve such a punishment. To me, the idea of Hell is the most sadistic and cruel torment conceivable. How could a God who was good possibly condone such a thing? Likewise, I don't believe in a Heaven that is reserved only for the faithful of one religion. That's far too elitist for me. Think about it, according to most modern religions, God judges us simply by what we believe, not by who we are.



When I was a kid I read a Chick tract that caused me a great deal of alarm and worry for the fate of my soul. In the little comic book, God was a faceless, impersonal giant who sat on a great throne. When the man in the comic book died, he stood naked while his entire life was displayed on a giant movie screen for everybody to see and he was judged for all of his sins. As a young boy, I was afraid that I would meet the same fate, and I would stand naked and humiliated as every bad thought and deed I ever had was displayed for all to see. Thankfully, I later came to realize that this was simply a fear tactic used to scare people into following the Christian religion.

So what do I believe about the afterlife? Well, I must honestly confess that I don't know exactly what awaits on the other side, but I am not afraid. I sometimes look forward to the afterlife as the ultimate adventure, the great unknown. The ancient Celts believed in the Summerlands, a peaceful resting place where the dead were reunited with their families and loved ones. They also believed in reincarnation. These ideas are much more compatible with my own personal beliefs about death and rebirth.

I can't conceive of the idea that when we die we simply cease to exist. That would be the worst fate possible, apart from suffering in Hell for eternity. I can't believe that this life is all that their is. I believe that the soul, that part of a person that captures who they are and makes them unique, lives on in some way. I don't follow any particular religious texts for my guide in such matters. Instead I look to the book of Nature. To me, Nature gives a pretty accurate account of the journey of the soul. We all travel through the seasons of life until we reach the winter of our death. But life doesn't end there! The spring comes again, as it does year after year. Life continues on in an endless circle, and I believe that it is the same way with the human spirit.



One of these days I will breathe my last and will face life's ultimate adventure... Death! I believe that she will wrap me gently in her arms and carry me over to the other side, to the Summerlands where I will be reunited with my loved ones who have made the journey before me. Can I prove it? No, but I can look to Mother Nature for answers. It's all written there, if you just know where to look.

Mom

Today is Mother's Day. If somebody had told me a year ago on this day that it would be the last time I would ever get to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day, I probably would not have believed them. Mom seemed to be in pretty good health at the time, but soon after that she began to have health issues.


My Mom passed away on November 11, 2009. She was diagnosed with cancer on our wedding anniversary and died just a few weeks later. I was fortunate enough to be there when she passed from this life into the next. As sad and heartbreaking as it was, to be able to hold her hand when she died was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

I wrote what was on my heart and read it at Mom's funeral. It was very difficult to do but I made it through. I'm including it here in my blog. I miss you Mom. Happy Mother's Day.



Mom

The word is endearing and speaks to our hearts of love, comfort and home.

My Mother brought me into this world nine months after she and Dad lost everything that they owned to a flood that destroyed the town of Klamath, CA. Mom was always there for me and as a child she fed me, wiped my bottom and dressed me. She would gently kiss me on my cheek and tell me goodnight. I never imagined that at the end of her life that I would do the same for her.

Mom was known and loved by many people from all over the country. You knew her as Pastor’s Wife, Missionary, WMU Director, Teacher and Soul Winner. Her children, grandchildren and daughters-in-law knew her as Mamaw. Her love for us was incomparable. She always gave of herself to her children and spoiled her grandchildren mercilessly.

As children, Mom looked after us. She packed our lunches and made sure our clothes were clean for school. Mom was always there to chase the ghouls and goblins out from under our beds at night, and to wipe away our tears when we were picked on by bullies on the playground. Mom laughed at our stories, bragged on our successes and shared our tears when we failed. She was always willing to believe the best in us and forgive the worst.

Mom was our cook, housekeeper, chauffer, therapist and more. She was the clown who always made us laugh with her unusual names for everything, her unique personality, and her little accidents.

Mom had suffered for several months before she was finally diagnosed with cancer. We were all surprised at how quickly she went. I am so thankful that I was able to spend time with her before she died. Her last words to me were on Monday night as I made my peace with her and told her not to worry about me and my family. “I love you” were her last words to me. She had to struggle to voice those words through parched lips. My reply to her was “I know you do Mom. I have never doubted for one moment your love for me.”

Mom – No other word in the English language captures in the imagination the unconditional love that our Creator has for us. Is it any wonder that the Bible describes God in parental terms? While we are all familiar with God as Father, there are many verses that support the idea of the Maternal aspect of God as well.

Matthew 23:37 How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings.

Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.

Deuteronomy 32:11 Describes God “Like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.”

Comforter, Sustainer, Breath of Life. So we can compare God to a mother. Indeed She is the Great Mother. All life comes from her, and in the end all life returns to her as well.

Each of us in this room will die. It is inevitable. We can look to the seasons for the progression of life. In the spring life begins. As we are nurtured we grow and reach the summer of adulthood. All too soon comes the harvest of Autumn as we reflect upon our lives and feel the coming of Winter. As the icy snows surround us, we feel the chill of death and take our final breath. But it doesn’t end there. Before the beginning of Spring, just when all hope seems lost, a tiny bud pokes its way up through the frost, reaching for the life giving sun.

Death is not the end. As people of faith, we have the hope of new life, of rebirth and renewal. Mom is not in the casket before us. This is just an empty shell. Her spirit is free. I believe with every ounce of my being that on Wednesday November 11, 2009 at 3pm, that Mom crossed over into the next life and every hope and dream that she ever held in her heart was met when she saw the face of her God.

A few minutes after Mom passed, my sister Janet called me outside and told me to look at the bird bath. A white dove sat there and fluttered up into the big maple tree in the back yard. As the bird flew away, I was reminded of the symbol of the dove representing the Holy Spirit in the Bible and couldn’t help but smile. Mom was in good hands.

I love you Mom. I’ll see you again someday when the white dove comes for me.

Beltane

This past Saturday was May Day, also known as Beltane. The origins of this day go far back into Celtic history and the celebration of this day is growing in popularity as we are seeing a larger number of people following an Earth based spirituality.

The festivities begin the night before on the Eve of Beltane. It was once very common to see bonfires lit on this night and young men would leap through the flames for good luck in the months ahead. Sometimes two bonfires would be lit and the people would drive their cattle between them to ensure health and fertility for their livestock.

Another popular symbol of this day is the Maypole. This consists of a tall pole decked with ribbons. The dancers each take a ribbon, males and females each holding an alternate color, and the dance begins as the revelers weave in and out until the pole is wrapped from top to bottom in the colorful ribbons. This practice was outlawed at one time by the church. The leaders disapproved of the obvious sexual symbolism of this dance. It was the custom for young couples to sneak off into the woods to enjoy a night of romance. Consequently, many young women would give birth to bouncy babies nine months later. These babies were considered to be blessed by the people who followed these traditions.



Nevertheless, the celebration of Beltane continues to live on in the hearts of those who follow the Old Ways. This is said to be a magical time and the gates of the Otherworld are believed to be wide open, allowing glimpses of the Faerie Realm as well as loved ones who have passed on. In this regard, Beltane Eve is quite similar to Halloween, which sits across on the opposite side in the wheel of the year.

The Mother Goddess, also called the Queen of May, is said to be joined in union with her lover as all of creation awakens for the coming summer. He is usually depicted as a young, athletic man with the horns of a deer. In Celtic mythology he was known as Cernunnos and was Lord of the Animals. He was worshipped by the Druids and many carvings and pottery pieces with his image have been preserved. The early church, in an attempt to convert the Pagan people to Christianity, created the false idea that the horned god was Satan. Up to this point, Satan had never been depicted with horns or a tail. Very much the opposite of the Christian Devil, Cernunnos was known as the All Father and was protector and provider for the people.



Beltane is one of my favorite times of the year. Spring is in full force, the sun is shining, and Nature is in full bloom. I usually seem to have extra energy and am ready to spend more time outdoors after being cooped up inside during the cold winter months.

Another popular custom for the Beltane season is Mummery which is still practiced in some parts of the Celtic World as is portrayed in Loreena McKennitt's song "The Mummer's Dance", a song remembering Beltane and the Old Ways. This wonderful song also mentions the old practice of tying ribbons in the branches of trees, an act that was believed to bring good fortune from the Nature Spirits.



Spring is in full bloom! Go outdoors and enjoy the wonders of Nature!