No Stranger to Darkness

I had a good week last week. Things are going much better at work, our income tax return came in on Saturday morning, and we took a trip up to Crescent City and Brookings, OR. I was able to have a little bit of spending money and we had a good time together as a family. Everything was going great when suddenly, without warning... it hit me!

I have suffered with bouts of depression for most of my adult life. It often comes immediately after a very happy and joyful experience. I can't seem to be able to control it, and I am not always sure what triggers it. Sometimes I think that it is genetic, as my brother and sister suffer in the same way. At other times I believe that it is just my way of coping with the inconsistencies of life.

To be honest, at times it becomes quite comfortable, like a blanket of darkness protecting me from the influence of the outside world. The sun seems to hide its face from me and the mists creep across the fields. In times like these I enjoy listening to dark music and prefer dreary days to light and warmth. Ravens seem to follow me wherever I go, their calls echoing in my ears. It is during these times that I really notice them and try to listen for their messages.

At other times the internal darkness is not quite so comfortable, becoming physically painful. This is what happened on Sunday. I can't quite put my finger on what caused it. Perhaps it was simply being reminded of a traumatic experience from my past, or being faced with my own apathy and cynicism. This is a terrible place to be and at such times I am usually plagued with tremendous self doubt and guilt. In times like these it becomes unbearable to be surrounded by people, hounded by their needs and petty complaints, and I prefer to be left alone. This is no time for joking and laughter. Silence is my friend.

I have learned to live with my Dark Side, even to embrace it. It is a part of me, just as sure as the part that loves sunshine and flowers in the spring. I am not afraid of my Dark Side, and have found inspiration and faith during these times spent in the shadows. I have discovered that most of my creativity flows from my Dark Side.
If given the choice, I would not banish my Dark Side. It keeps me balanced as I come face to face with the ugliness and hypocrisy inside of me. It shows me the truth, that I am not always the nice, polite person who I appear to be on the outside.

Many people face their own inner demons but are afraid to speak about it because they don't want to appear weak or even crazy. I have found that if you face the Darkness head on and learn to respect it, it can become a powerful ally.