I have seen it happen hundreds of times. People are searching for something in their lives. They go to church. They hear the sermon and are told that they are sinners without Christ and will wind up in Hell if they don't repent and get saved. They walk the aisle and pray the prayer with the preacher. In many cases their lives are changed and they become faithful Christians, stalwart members of the church. In other cases, they attend for awhile and then slowly drift away. We have all heard the story of why people turn to the church, but what about those who leave? This is my story.
I'm not going to go into detail about the events that led up to me questioning my faith as a Christian and eventually leaving the church. Those events were detailed in another blog. After the painful experience that caused me to take an honest look at my life and what I thought to be true, I decided to lay aside all that I had been taught to believe.
I took an honest look at the Bible and much of it truly bothered me. I read stories I had heard before, but for the first time actually thought about what they meant. I encountered verses showing God commanding that babies heads be bashed against rocks, entire cities being destroyed along with every man, woman, child and animal. The Bible is filled with blood and the God of the Bible demands a blood sacrifice for the sins of man. I saw rape, torture and genocide, all commanded by a God who was supposed to be all loving. I saw people that I cared about being called Abominations because of their lifestyle, others cut off from God because of their religious practices. Most of this was in the Old Testament, but the New Testament had its share of problems as well. Those people who refused to believe in Christ were damned to eternal torment in Hell. There was so much fear, guilt and shame, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So I left the church and all of the dogma behind.
I know that some of my Christian friends probably thought I was "backslidden". After all, I would often accuse those who left the church of the same thing back when I faithfully attended. It was a well known fact that those who quit going to church were "Out of fellowship with the Lord". Or are they?
I didn't leave the church because I fell away from God. I conciously and purposely left the church because I no longer believed in the image of God that was portrayed there. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with Jesus or his teachings. Christ's teachings of love and forgiveness still ring very true to me and I live by "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But I refuse to bow down to a tyrant. And that is how I see the God of the Bible. Think about it for a moment. Imagine the worst attrocity that you can conceive that a human being can do to another. That pales in comparison to what the God of the Bible threatens nonbelievers with. How can you say that God loves people, but then he sends them to Hell if they don't convert to Christianity? Would unconditional love ever hurt another in such a heinous way? Oh, but God doesn't send people to Hell. They choose to go their with their unbelief. Bullshit! Nobody would choose to go to Hell. And yet as Christians we were taught to believe this paradox.
How many people convert to Christianity out of fear for their souls? It appears that the God of the Bible wants us to fear him, to tremble in obedience before his might. He delights in allowing suffering upon humanity to bring himself glory. He is jealous, vengeful, bloodthirsty and hurls curses upon the people who cross him, and not only them, but their families, for generations! Don't believe me? Read the Bible!
I do not believe in this God anymore. Most of my life was spent living in fear and guilt. I was never good enough. I deserved Hell because of my failures. I was saved only by grace, and my best works were dirty rags before an angry God who couldn't even look upon my mistakes.
I encountered a gentler, more loving aspect of the Divine soon after I moved back to California. I was accepted and loved exactly as I am, mistakes and all. There was no fear, no guilt, and no shame. There were no threats of punishment if I stepped out of line. For once in my life I could be human and not feel bad about myself. I had the freedom to make my own choices, including what I believed in.
I don't think that our Creator cares how we envision him/her. I see her as the Great Mother. I love her not out of fear or forced servitude, but by choice. All are welcome in her presence. There is no special elitist group set above the rest of humanity as we often see in the monotheistic religions. All life comes from her, and in the end, all life returns to her as well.
So does this make me a heretic? I don't believe so. But I will no longer stand by silently and let people judge me based on what I believe. If others are comfortable following the religion they are told to follow and find comfort in their lives in their faith, then I am happy for them. But this simply no longer works for me.
There were so many contradictions in the church that I could no longer bear. We were told not to judge others, but we were given license to "inspect fruit". We were told tht God loved everybody, but somehow we as Christians were special and chosen, set apart from everybody else. We were told that we were stained, unworthy and told not to even trust our own hearts, even though we were children of God.
I apologize if this blog offends anybody. I would never intentionally do that to another person. But I feel the need to tell the truth, to finally let it out, once and for all. Why did I leave the church?
I did not reject Christ as some would say. I am not without a personal spiritual life and connection to the Divine as others might whisper behind my back. I guess it all boils down to this... I left the church because of LOVE. I love people who are not Christians. I have friends who are Jews, Pagans, Athiests and Agnostics. These are wonderful friends, and I don't believe for a moment that they are condemned for their beliefs. I don't believe that anyone has the right to try to force their beliefs on another. I have seen (and participated in) using fear and guilt tactics to see others convert to Christianity.
Along with love for my fellow man, I also left the church out of love for the Divine. What I encountered out on the beach and in the forest was real. I no longer see the angry old man sitting on the throne above us all. It has taken years to get that damaging image out of my mind. And you know what? I am truly happy now. I believe in myself. I no longer judge others based on what they believe. I am free to make my own choices. And for that I am thankful.
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